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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

 

Dane's Daddy's Daddy

The is me, meeting the Hofzinser Blogger Challenge. My Dad and I had a very strained relationship when I was growing up. It's definitely been mended, but it took a long time before I could let it go. The fixing came after I had Dane and realized that my Dad did what he thought was the right thing. How can we really blame our parents for some of the stuff they do (yes, you can blame the parents for abuse... I'm talking about little parenting faux pas)? They are truly doing the best they can.

From the time I was born, I'm sure my Dad has loved me with every ounce of his soul. I don't think he was ever comfortable in the role of father. From reports from my Mom, he didn't like taking care of me by himself (when I was an infant). And that was sure the trend for the years after that. The weird part about that is, as kid, I had always thought of it as indifference rather than uncomfortableness. So doing stuff with my did was fun, but a little awkward.

My Dad was on the road as a salesman. He usually spent Monday through Thursday on the road. On Friday, we packed up and went to the farm for the weekend. We usually worked and came home on Sunday night. I have many fond memories of doing stuff as a family on the farm, but I also remember thinking my Dad was over working the family. I was a kid. Summer and weekends were for playing. And (you're gonna understand everything about who I am after I reveal this next part) being an only child, going to a farm where there were no other kids to hang out with, I hated going there. All my friends, my real relationships, were back at home. These were basically my brothers and sisters. And I wasn't lonely, I learned early in life to entertain myself, I just liked playing all the summer sports we used to play around the block (For Sandra: that block was in Blue Springs... know where that is?). To this day, I don't mind being alone or with people.

Growing up, I never had a consistent male role model. I was a mamma's boy. I didn't know how to be confrontational. I didn't know how or the eventual consequences of not standing up for myself. I got picked on in school, not because I was too weak to stick up for myself, but because I was afraid to. Later, in my 20's, I realized that the scars left from not stick up for yourself were worse than any scars you could get from a fight. I think I needed my Dad to tell me that. To say to me, "You don't have to take that shit from them. In fact, you shouldn't be taking that shit from them." Would it have made any difference? I don't know. I would like to think it would have, because I was finally taught that lesson in the military (That's another story for another day). So for the longest time, I blamed my Dad for not being there, for not teaching me how to be a man.

I had enough friends in my life to help me limp along through those years. Two of these friends really took me under their wings and protected me, stuck up for me and showed me that I was stupid for taking whatever shit people gave me. They were both the kind of guys that , "always stickin' up for you, even when I know your wrong." And I did the same for them. By the time Chris, came into my life, I was pretty beaten down. I remember going to a fair, that was popular when I was in high school, and a kid smaller than me started giving me crap. Most of the time I would just walk away from this kid at school, but because my friends were around I wouldn't take it. I tried to puff up and get into it with him, but my buddies, pull me aside and say to this kid, "is there a problem?" And he says, "nope," and walks off (he never bothered me again after that day). Scott was a little different in his approach, but basically showed me how to be more confident. I acted the part and it helped, but I wasn't really confident. That would, again, come later with the military... and age.

I think that Swimming Sideways is right when he talks about having the wrong parenting screws up your sights. I think there should be a clause in the rule that if your kids don't get the lessons from you, that there sights will always be off. I think that can be the case, but I think the clause should says, "but the sights can be corrected or screwed up more, if the opportunity is presents itself." Fortunately, the opportunity for me was more positive (than negative), and I learned good things from it. That's not always the case. I could have been recruited by a bunch of really bad kids and could have gotten into a lot of bad things. Some of the things I did weren't good. I didn't get out completely unscathed, but I learned a lot in different places.

I like myself as I am today. I feel self made, but that isn't entirely true. There are lots of lessons I learned as a child from my Dad. I just never attributed them to him until later in life. However, I often wonder how I would be different if my Dad had been around to teach me those lessons. I wonder if I would have been successful earlier in life. Not have to go through a lot of relationships to realize the confidence is in me, not the person I am dating. Lots of things could be different. But would they be?

I'm sure this has a lot to do with how I am raising Dane. I want to be very active in his life because my Dad wasn't. That doesn't mean he wasn't a good father. I just want to be a different father.

My Dad said something to me a long time ago that has stuck with me everyday of my life since he said it. One time while we were drilling wheat, I broke a piece of farm equipment because I backed up the tractor with the drill down. I felt really bad. It was a small piece so the equipment still worked, but not all of it. I asked him, "what are we going to do now?" Without looking at me he said, "We're going to do the best we can with what we've got." That really is a good lesson. I think that was also the same reason I realized, when my son was born, that my Dad did the very best he could for me. He did the best he could with the skills he had. And those skills were, and continue to be to this day, working hard for your family.

Comments:
Lovely post. Man, Dane is going to be in such agony when he's a teenager and bumps into this stuff. It almost makes my little heart go pitter-pat. All of his friends will tease him "Your daddy wuvs you!" He'll get mad, and be secretly very, very pleased. None of his friends Dads have devoted an entire blog to them!
 
I'm going to be like Dick Vermeal (sp?) and cry when he plays his first football game.

If I still have this going when he and his friends are old enough to read it... I will be very impressed with myself.
 
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