Friday, June 03, 2005
The A.D. Relationship
"I would love to hear how your feelings for your wife have changed since having a child. "-Hof
Since you asked.
I really hadn't given this matter a whole lot of thought. Being a guy, I don't explore my feelings about something at random. It usually takes a prompt, but then you usually get slathered with emotional butter. Rich, thick and full of TMI.
My first thought when I read Hof's statement was, "One thing's for sure, I gained a lot of respect for her." Renee went through a whopping 54 hours of labor, unmedicated and feeling every contraction. In case you don't know this, labor lasts an average 17 hours, from the first contraction until the baby is out. She went through enough labor to have 3 children. AND she did great! At one point I asked her if it hurt. When the contraction would start, she would be quiet and just relax. Then when it was over, we would talk and everything would be normal. I timed them to make sure she knew how much time she had before the next one. It honestly looked effortless. Of course, she told me later that when I asked her if it hurt, she wanted to smack me.
So that's the easy answer. A man answer. Not detailed. Here is the harder answer.
For as much respect as I have gained for her, there are times when I don't treat her with that respect. There are times that we get irritated and short with each other because our own needs aren't getting met. There are times that we argue about who does more around the house. It's all petty stuff. Stupid stuff that, at the time, can turn into a big fight because both of us are hard headed and won't back down. I am ashamed to say that I haven't been the best husband I could be.
There are, however, just as many good things in our relationship that have become even better. As our routine with Dane becomes more solid (along with his poop), we have been a great team. We have been better at just stopping the toxicity of an argument that really has no point. We have become more committed to our relationship as the foundation of our family. We have fallen deeper in love as our view of each other has transformed from husband/wife to include Daddy/Mommy.
Looking at our relationship After Dane (A.D.), and comparing it to Before Dane (B.D.), I don't think it has changed as much as it has evolved. Maybe even "evolved" is the wrong word. Growth maybe better. Like a tree, each branch symbolizing a different aspect of our relationship, it grows many branches. Yet, it's still the same tree.
That, to me, is good news. Now that I think about it, I might have been a little worried if someone informed me that my relationship with my wife was going to change A.D. That somehow, we would love each other differently. For some, that is exactly what happens. I think they get caught up in Baby (which would be very easy to do) and forget each other.
So, I guess that is how I feel. All squishy and mushy.
Please excuse me... I have to start my chainsaw or build a deck or something, so I can return to my average man status.
Since you asked.
I really hadn't given this matter a whole lot of thought. Being a guy, I don't explore my feelings about something at random. It usually takes a prompt, but then you usually get slathered with emotional butter. Rich, thick and full of TMI.
My first thought when I read Hof's statement was, "One thing's for sure, I gained a lot of respect for her." Renee went through a whopping 54 hours of labor, unmedicated and feeling every contraction. In case you don't know this, labor lasts an average 17 hours, from the first contraction until the baby is out. She went through enough labor to have 3 children. AND she did great! At one point I asked her if it hurt. When the contraction would start, she would be quiet and just relax. Then when it was over, we would talk and everything would be normal. I timed them to make sure she knew how much time she had before the next one. It honestly looked effortless. Of course, she told me later that when I asked her if it hurt, she wanted to smack me.
So that's the easy answer. A man answer. Not detailed. Here is the harder answer.
For as much respect as I have gained for her, there are times when I don't treat her with that respect. There are times that we get irritated and short with each other because our own needs aren't getting met. There are times that we argue about who does more around the house. It's all petty stuff. Stupid stuff that, at the time, can turn into a big fight because both of us are hard headed and won't back down. I am ashamed to say that I haven't been the best husband I could be.
There are, however, just as many good things in our relationship that have become even better. As our routine with Dane becomes more solid (along with his poop), we have been a great team. We have been better at just stopping the toxicity of an argument that really has no point. We have become more committed to our relationship as the foundation of our family. We have fallen deeper in love as our view of each other has transformed from husband/wife to include Daddy/Mommy.
Looking at our relationship After Dane (A.D.), and comparing it to Before Dane (B.D.), I don't think it has changed as much as it has evolved. Maybe even "evolved" is the wrong word. Growth maybe better. Like a tree, each branch symbolizing a different aspect of our relationship, it grows many branches. Yet, it's still the same tree.
That, to me, is good news. Now that I think about it, I might have been a little worried if someone informed me that my relationship with my wife was going to change A.D. That somehow, we would love each other differently. For some, that is exactly what happens. I think they get caught up in Baby (which would be very easy to do) and forget each other.
So, I guess that is how I feel. All squishy and mushy.
Please excuse me... I have to start my chainsaw or build a deck or something, so I can return to my average man status.
# Proud Daddy Posting @ 7:06 AM 
Comments:
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WOW! Your wife will be on the express train into heaven for that labor. Mymom spent 18 hrs in labor w/ me and never let's me forget it. Wait until I tell her Renee's story.
The beauty of your post is the amazing awareness you have of not letting it become all about BABY. You have left room for your love to grow. Renee is a v. lucky woman.
Oh and Dane is MAD CUTE! :) Good job daddy!
The beauty of your post is the amazing awareness you have of not letting it become all about BABY. You have left room for your love to grow. Renee is a v. lucky woman.
Oh and Dane is MAD CUTE! :) Good job daddy!
Bonus points to you for being there for the labor. My ex sat in a chair, read a book, and then occasionally got up and left the room to go eat somewhere ;) 54 hrs of labor is...oh god, oh god, the pain of thinking of it, the pain of thinking of it! Make it stop!!!! It was bad enough to be in labor for 11 hrs and then my daughter's heartbeat to stop...and get rushed to the OR and gutted open like a fish to get her out alive (note: she's seven now and fine). I think all healthy relationships grow and strengthen with every challenge, and there is nothing more challenging than adding to the family unit! Your baby is adorable!
Drugs, and lots of them, got me through two not too long labors. Your wife has my respect. Good luck keeping the husband/wife side of the relationship fresh and exciting throughout the childrearing process. Things like planning to be romantic and sexy have a role . . .
Thank you all for the positive comments!
Hof-Thanks for linking me from your blog. And an extra thank you for thinking my blog is a worth while read. You will be amazed at the mircle of birth. Don't get caught up in the medical/physical (i.e. seeing the baby expanding the vagina) part of it. I say that like you have the ability to get caught up in it... you don't... all focus is on the baby. But I started to worry about it, at first. It went away pretty quickly after seeing the top of his head when Renee would push. Freakin' AMAZING!
a*-You tell your Mom that she did a great job, but the bottom line is that women have done it before her and after her. They got through it just fine. It sounds like you will go through it too. It will be the best earned gift you ever receive. And thanks, I think he is the best baby ever. And such a flirt too. He's going to be a heart breaker.
kira-I wasn't the greatest team player the whole time. After that many hours of such little sleep, I past out a few times, only to wake up to a kick in the shin and a "aren't you supposed to be helping me out here?" And at hour 48, I went a little bonkers and started telling Renee how rediculous all this was. Great push partner huh. She got upset and I thought, "Good job Andy, you just made your wife, who's in labor, cry." I told her I was sorry and I went back to be a coach. Gosh, when will women realize the husbands have the toughest job (KIDDING)!
foilwoman-We try to go on date as often as we can get a baby sitter (although sometimes we feel guilty leaving him with someone). We also do things at home together (play cards or watch a movie, etc.) once Dane is zonked out at bedtime.
mr. drinker- Yes, it is absolutely the most amazing thing to watch... your child being born, the best way I can describe it, is like riding a rollarcoaster. I was never afraid of anything bad happening, but I was scare, excited, freaked out and happy all at once. The emotional release when he came out, was overwhelming (I know I don't have to tell you that).
All- Thank you for reading my blog. I will do my best to keep up on it.
Hof-Thanks for linking me from your blog. And an extra thank you for thinking my blog is a worth while read. You will be amazed at the mircle of birth. Don't get caught up in the medical/physical (i.e. seeing the baby expanding the vagina) part of it. I say that like you have the ability to get caught up in it... you don't... all focus is on the baby. But I started to worry about it, at first. It went away pretty quickly after seeing the top of his head when Renee would push. Freakin' AMAZING!
a*-You tell your Mom that she did a great job, but the bottom line is that women have done it before her and after her. They got through it just fine. It sounds like you will go through it too. It will be the best earned gift you ever receive. And thanks, I think he is the best baby ever. And such a flirt too. He's going to be a heart breaker.
kira-I wasn't the greatest team player the whole time. After that many hours of such little sleep, I past out a few times, only to wake up to a kick in the shin and a "aren't you supposed to be helping me out here?" And at hour 48, I went a little bonkers and started telling Renee how rediculous all this was. Great push partner huh. She got upset and I thought, "Good job Andy, you just made your wife, who's in labor, cry." I told her I was sorry and I went back to be a coach. Gosh, when will women realize the husbands have the toughest job (KIDDING)!
foilwoman-We try to go on date as often as we can get a baby sitter (although sometimes we feel guilty leaving him with someone). We also do things at home together (play cards or watch a movie, etc.) once Dane is zonked out at bedtime.
mr. drinker- Yes, it is absolutely the most amazing thing to watch... your child being born, the best way I can describe it, is like riding a rollarcoaster. I was never afraid of anything bad happening, but I was scare, excited, freaked out and happy all at once. The emotional release when he came out, was overwhelming (I know I don't have to tell you that).
All- Thank you for reading my blog. I will do my best to keep up on it.
You do realize that once Dane is a teenager, this blog will be a source of endless mortification to him.
Oh... We have plenty of other material for that... Pictures... Video... All of which will be shown to his cute little girlfriend on his first date.
Okay, having the naked pictures to show the first girlfriend is a key part of adolescent humiliation leading to differentiation from the parent (or other relative). My (anonymous) 17-year old nephew got to listen to me explain to one of the girls he was foolishly trying to impress with his skateboarding prowess how when he was little his mother would tire him out by telling him to run (outside) around the house 3 time, and he would with glee, taking off his clothes as he ran. While he is a statewide (anonymous) champion at something that means he could really clock my middle-aged ass, he just did a really funny Dan Quayle deer in the headlights imitation. Of course, said girl was more impressed by the thought of 17-year old nephew without clothes than with any of his Tony Hawk-like antics, so really, I was doing him a favor.
I'm grinning with glee in anticipation.
Actually, I think my son will be just fine. He's so laid back. When I tell his little girlfriend about how he was such a little peanut when he was a baby [imagine a scene much like in "Meet The Fockers"), I could see him laugh and say, "yeah, I was a little baby, huh Dad."
Drats foiled again!
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Actually, I think my son will be just fine. He's so laid back. When I tell his little girlfriend about how he was such a little peanut when he was a baby [imagine a scene much like in "Meet The Fockers"), I could see him laugh and say, "yeah, I was a little baby, huh Dad."
Drats foiled again!
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